Friday, November 8, 2013

A Negative Review: Thor: The Dark World Sucks

This is all this stupid movie deserves

Why is it that recent superhero movies are so incapable of eliciting even the most stifled sort of excitement or creativity when it comes to the narrative and plot structure? Why can't the superhero genre move away from the craftsmanship of a kindergartener class and present its audience with something more... compelling? Thor: The Dark World is a huge disappointment, and supposing the auditorium in which I sat to view it was a pasture, the necessary amount of manure to be allotted in order to accurately parallel the garbage being spewed at me from the screen would exceed Asgard in terms of extent. That this movie had such a brilliant cast and still managed to fail is embarrassing, and that it will invariably become a box office success is disgusting.

I mean, really, Marvel, you've got a winning formula here. There is no reason to settle for such a bland, generic "saving the world" story as you've done here. There is no financial risk. People will come see these movies even if it was the 34th rendition – this very same year, Iron Man 3 (another shitfest) proved as much. Do you have any idea what some directors would do to get Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, Idris Elba, and Tom Hiddleston, all in the same movie?  I wager they would quit drinking. They would probably travel to the four corners of the world. Certainly, they would even kill. Hell, I imagine they might even make a movie such as this and try to pass it off as a success! And yet, despite all of these great actors, The Dark World only delivers special effects and monotonous, uninteresting villains.

None of the characters are deep. Thor is the same as he was in the previous movie, madly swinging away his hammer, and occasionally grunting at something. Natalie acts as the former's girlfriend, but is apparently so inept that the first thing she says after being magically teleported to Asgard is "let's do that again!" It's as if all women are brainless objects, entirely devoid of rational emotional responses. And let's not forget, as the movie reminds us a few hundred times – she hasn't seen this guy in two years. But it gets worse. Never mind the fact that she's a walking WMD – Natalie is far more interested about Thor telling Hannibal (Good God. This guy is still alive?) that they're dating. And I could excuse this, too, if Hopkins didn't make such a big deal about someone inheriting the throne and then immediately brush off a potential source of another heir (or are we humans too rueful to have sex with Gods? Apparently we can still breathe on the various atmospheres of their planets, so it must be okay). And let's not forget the other major characters, either – there's... ... shit. T-there's... well, Loki is pretty cool, I guess. And Kat Dennings is... kind of hot...? I don't know, man, I was too busy rolling my eyes at how contrived all these characters were: you've got the corny sidekick, the mad scientist, the nerdy tech guy, yeah... you've got it all. It also doesn't Mollify the situation much that the subplot concerning these guys makes about as much sense as taking one magical train, for 3 stops, from Charing Cross to Greenwich.

Anyway, the way comic book movies go, the villain is the end-all. If the villain sucks, then the movie sucks. This time, Thor has two villains to face off against, though neither one manages to extend a presence beyond mediocrity. In the first corner, The Doctor and his horde of evil elves are hellbent on conquering the universe with their lightsabers and laser rifles, and in the second corner, Loki is up to one his totally wacky tricks again. Although the latter is kind of locked up for the first half of the movie, so it sort of takes away from his ability to do much. And then half the stuff he does do ends up being a clich├ęd illusion-type thing, so you never really know if what you're watching matters all that much. But yeah, right, back to the elf guy: how in fuck did this guy ever lose the first time if his army has rifles whereas the Asgardians have nothing but melee weapons? We're even shown various glimpses of the Asgardian armory, and yet, all the righteous foot soldiers apparently prefer to bolt towards the enemy until sufficient casualties are achieved such that the corpses form a pseudo-kevlar vest. It's ridiculous. It would also behoove Asgard to invest in anti-air turrets that were of actual use – not a single elf ship is shot down in the entirety of the movie; in fact, even a pilotless ship (after Thor and co. evacuate) is able to outmaneuver the Asgardian's efforts to bring it down. Oh, and another thing: because Marvel is owned by Disney, there isn't a single drop of the red stuff anywhere on screen – and honestly, this is kind of a kicker, because the director of this movie, Alan Taylor, is the same guy who worked on the second season of Game of Thrones

And as usual, there is a lengthy amount of plot holes. I am willing to disregard all of them save one, because it is so hilariously absurd: supposing the entire universe is at stake (which, as Odin warns, it will be should The Doctor gain control of the ultimate weapon), wouldn't it make sense for the other 7 realms to dispatch a few warriors to aid Thor? Or do these other realms just not care? I understand that this is Thor's movie, and as such, other Avengers are prohibited from interfering (what's this about a multiverse?), but at the end of the day, you've got some dimwit with daddy issues and a bunch of nerds against an army of magical terrorists. There aren't really any words.

All I can hope for is that my vision will blur, green outlines will fade, and I will realize that it was all an illusion. 

4 comments:

  1. wow. i can tell you're a DC fan boy, since all your gripes were without merit and just hating for the sake of hating. i bet you hated this movie before you even saw it.

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    1. Ha ha, look at you. How arrogant. I guess it's easy to throw labels at people when the entirety of your analysis is that my gripes are "without merit," there for "the sake of hating." At least for your second assertion, you concede a bit more literally to be merely guessing.

      No. You can't tell anything about me, unless you're in the business of being wrong – I actually prefer Marvel to DC in almost every case. The only DC hero I even think is worth being a "fan" for is Batman, and I hated, hated, HATED Nolan's recent movies.

      I saw this movie the day it opened, at midnight, in a private screening. I came in with no negative bias – in fact, if anything, I was prepared to like the movie quite a bit, because I liked the first one. Instead, I was tremendously disappointed, bored, and wondering when it would end. But during no point of viewing did I start thinking "wow, this movie sucks so much, maybe I should just close my eyes and plug my ears, because that way, if it does get better, I'll be able to tell!" I mean, I don't know about you, but I don't find myself acting like this, because the notion of hating something for the sake of hating it is a bit absurd, given the context – couldn't I have just walked out? Why would I stay to watch a movie I had already decided beforehand I was going to dislike? Why waste the time?

      Regardless, none of the points I made are completely rooted in subjectivity. I don't claim to be an authority, but you certainly cannot argue that the points I made are untrue – do the characters throughout this movie seem deep to you? Does the villain seem more menacing than ridiculous? Did Loki's tricks honestly catch you by surprise? What about the plot holes? Can you explain to me why Thor and his brigade are the only ones apparently involved in saving the universe, while everyone else sits idly by?

      I'll say it again: substantiate your claims. Otherwise, you end up looking like the type of guy you're criticizing: a fan boy who refuses to give merit to his criticism.

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  2. Just saw this movie, and Googled about it sucking just to make sure I hadn't missed its brilliance. Thanks for the review. I agreed with all your points.

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  3. Admit it people this movie sucked. Nice review , agreed with everything you said .
    P.s.- the only good thing about thor movies is loki ;)

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