A Negative Review: If I Stay Sucks

Pictured: Chloë Grace Moretz delivering some of her more effective acting in If I Stay

Meet Mia Hall: she's sort of like a Disney princess, but in real life – she gets to have everything that every shy girl her age wishes she had, but at the cost of her parents dying. She has perfect, indestructible hair; the cute older boy in high school who's also a musician instantly sees how special she is on the inside and pursues her; and her deadbeat parents are worldly enough to always supply her with the perfect, textbook answer to all of life's problems. Unsurprisingly, then, this movie is generic like no other – it's so busy basking in its own pretentiousness and blandness that it often forgets it has a plot to get through. 

A Negative Review: Suits Sucks (partially)

I've long since learned not to take anything on USA seriously, but Suits is, more or less, pretty good for how bad it is. Great actors, bizarre movie references, witty dialogue… it has a lot going for it. On the other hand, however, its Rachel Zane is one of the most revolting characters in recent TV history and is an absolute joke in the face of equalism. Without further ado:

Hm.

A Negative Review: The Amazing Spiderman 2 Sucks

Caption to come later.

First, let's acknowledge that this movie has mind-blowing CGI – everything looks fantastic. Anyway, now that all the good things about the movie are out of the way...

A Negative Review: The Blacklist Sucks

Uhh, no wait, sorry, wrong story. 

It's simple, really – there's the Megan Boone character, and the James Spader character, and everyone else is pretty much forgettable. The show itself is more or less serialized, where the usual gang of idiots is out and about solving various crimes, although their actual contribution as opposed to plain luck is usually equivalent to that of Scooby Doo and his gang. Basically, though, what kills this show is that it follows an archetype so specifically that most episodes can be wholly predicted within the first few minutes. Before a demonstration, however, here is a short summary of the two relevant characters:

A Negative Review: The Prestige Sucks

Let's not make this a habit. I really like this guy.

Christopher Nolan sucks. His Batman movies are "Batman" in name only, Memento tries to be too clever for its own good, Inception is downright terrible, and The Prestige is a total shitfest. Maybe I just haven't been smoking enough of whatever it is one has to take in order to see the "insane brilliance" that's otherwise so apparent and oozing out of Nolan's work.

The Prestige, a magician movie without any attempt at magic, starts out about two loser magician twins. One makes his wife kill herself, and the other rejects his only true love and ends up getting hanged. There's also some other schmuck magician who's wife is made to drown by one of the first two guys, although it's not ever made clear why this happens. So, this third guy eventually gets a cloning machine (what?), and his first thought is to start using it to get back at the guy who killed his wife by cloning himself repeatedly and then killing all those clones by submerging them in water tanks until they drown. This ends up making the first loser who doesn't get hanged kill this third guy by shooting him with a pistol.

A Negative Review: Yojimbo Sucks

More like Yojumbo

Wow, talk about a rip-off. Yojimbo, a confusing, feudal movie about a lone samurai wandering into town and causing trouble, is certainly not the first proprietor of this plot-archetype. Five minutes into the movie, I was already disgusted with how blatantly it was ripping off its plot from genius director Sergio Leone. I mean, seriously, that alone should quantify the extent of this movie's failure – it completely lacks originality and was lifted scene-by-scene from the hard work of a different, vastly superior director.

A Negative Review: The 100 S01E01 (pilot) Sucks

Pic related: actual science-fiction

What do you get when you combine terrible science-fiction with terrible fantasy romance? The 100, apparently – it's the type of show that follows the Twilight phenomenon of turning previously niche genres into something for the masses by removing all the interesting and distinguishing characteristics of said genres; in this case, it's taking science-fiction and turning it into a high school drama. Indeed, in The 100, Earth has been ravaged by a nuclear war, and 97 years after the planet has been abandoned by its 4,000 survivors, a group of 100 delinquent teenagers is sent as a science experiment of sorts in order for the powers that be aboard the mothership/space station to find out if Earth is now habitable. In and of itself, this premise is quite interesting, but unfortunately, the show entirely fails to deliver. There is just so much wrong with this show that it would be difficult to categorically explain it all; in lieu of this, here is a list: