The Walking Dead's Pitiful Attempts at Moral Ambiguity

"Quiet, Rick. If we pretend we're a clever show, maybe they'll all believe it!"

Let's just get right to the point. The Walking Dead is not a clever show, as much as it tries to be. Although avenues from which to mock this show abound, I'd like to focus on just the one, for the purpose of this post: the incessant, trite attempts at moral ambiguity. To do this, all we really have to do is ask ourselves the same question, at pretty much every moral dilemma the show presents. That being... "are both sides really the same?" 

A Negative Review: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Sucks

Surprise! No wait. No one's surprised.

Frankly, this whole endeavor is hilarious. Hollywood's recent trend of unnecessarily splitting the final chapters of various stories into multiple segments is an obvious cash grab, but in Mockingjay's case, you get something unintentionally meta: part 1 is always a commercial for part 2, but the plot of Mockingjay is already literally about making a commercial. The irony makes the whole thing just impossible to take seriously.

A Negative Review: Interstellar Sucks

You don't say...

In yet another installment of Nolan's trite, pretentious glob, people and magazines and web sites have already found much more interesting adjectives to use about the former's most recent movie, though obviously, theirs are notably and profoundly positive; the movie in question: Interstellar. I've stopped becoming surprised by this point when this happens, because if there's one thing Nolan knows how to do, it's how to market his material. And let me tell you: I couldn't watch more than 5 minutes of television or browse some form of social media without running into either a trailer or some type of discussion. In any case, as is the usual, the prevailing term is "insanely brilliant" and "Kubrick-esque." Oh dear.

A Negative Review: If I Stay Sucks

Pictured: Chloë Grace Moretz delivering some of her more effective acting in If I Stay

Meet Mia Hall: she's sort of like a Disney princess, but in real life – she gets to have everything that every shy girl her age wishes she had, but at the cost of her parents dying. She has perfect, indestructible hair; the cute older boy in high school who's also a musician instantly sees how special she is on the inside and pursues her; and her deadbeat parents are worldly enough to always supply her with the perfect, textbook answer to all of life's problems. Unsurprisingly, then, this movie is generic like no other – it's so busy basking in its own pretentiousness and blandness that it often forgets it has a plot to get through. 

A Negative Review: Suits Sucks (partially)

I've long since learned not to take anything on USA seriously, but Suits is, more or less, pretty good for how bad it is. Great actors, bizarre movie references, witty dialogue… it has a lot going for it. On the other hand, however, its Rachel Zane is one of the most revolting characters in recent TV history and is an absolute joke in the face of equalism. Without further ado:

Hm.

A Negative Review: The Amazing Spiderman 2 Sucks

Caption to come later.

First, let's acknowledge that this movie has mind-blowing CGI – everything looks fantastic. Anyway, now that all the good things about the movie are out of the way...

A Negative Review: The Blacklist Sucks

Uhh, no wait, sorry, wrong story. 

It's simple, really – there's the Megan Boone character, and the James Spader character, and everyone else is pretty much forgettable. The show itself is more or less serialized, where the usual gang of idiots is out and about solving various crimes, although their actual contribution as opposed to plain luck is usually equivalent to that of Scooby Doo and his gang. Basically, though, what kills this show is that it follows an archetype so specifically that most episodes can be wholly predicted within the first few minutes. Before a demonstration, however, here is a short summary of the two relevant characters:

A Negative Review: The Prestige Sucks

Let's not make this a habit. I really like this guy.

Christopher Nolan sucks. His Batman movies are "Batman" in name only, Memento tries to be too clever for its own good, Inception is downright terrible, and The Prestige is a total shitfest. Maybe I just haven't been smoking enough of whatever it is one has to take in order to see the "insane brilliance" that's otherwise so apparent and oozing out of Nolan's work.

The Prestige, a magician movie without any attempt at magic, starts out about two loser magician twins. One makes his wife kill herself, and the other rejects his only true love and ends up getting hanged. There's also some other schmuck magician who's wife is made to drown by one of the first two guys, although it's not ever made clear why this happens. So, this third guy eventually gets a cloning machine (what?), and his first thought is to start using it to get back at the guy who killed his wife by cloning himself repeatedly and then killing all those clones by submerging them in water tanks until they drown. This ends up making the first loser who doesn't get hanged kill this third guy by shooting him with a pistol.

A Negative Review: Yojimbo Sucks

More like Yojumbo

Wow, talk about a rip-off. Yojimbo, a confusing, feudal movie about a lone samurai wandering into town and causing trouble, is certainly not the first proprietor of this plot-archetype. Five minutes into the movie, I was already disgusted with how blatantly it was ripping off its plot from genius director Sergio Leone. I mean, seriously, that alone should quantify the extent of this movie's failure – it completely lacks originality and was lifted scene-by-scene from the hard work of a different, vastly superior director.

A Negative Review: The 100 S01E01 (pilot) Sucks

Pic related: actual science-fiction

What do you get when you combine terrible science-fiction with terrible fantasy romance? The 100, apparently – it's the type of show that follows the Twilight phenomenon of turning previously niche genres into something for the masses by removing all the interesting and distinguishing characteristics of said genres; in this case, it's taking science-fiction and turning it into a high school drama. Indeed, in The 100, Earth has been ravaged by a nuclear war, and 97 years after the planet has been abandoned by its 4,000 survivors, a group of 100 delinquent teenagers is sent as a science experiment of sorts in order for the powers that be aboard the mothership/space station to find out if Earth is now habitable. In and of itself, this premise is quite interesting, but unfortunately, the show entirely fails to deliver. There is just so much wrong with this show that it would be difficult to categorically explain it all; in lieu of this, here is a list:

A Negative Review: The Walking Dead S04E13 "Alone" Sucks

I'm not going to bother with an excuse

So I guess at this point, the writers are trying to reduce the fan base of this show intentionally. There are just so many things wrong that it's almost hopeless to try to list them all – but in brief, it's that characters keep doing things contrary to what rudimentary logic would dictate, and that The Walking Dead is no longer post-apocalyptic horror. I have no idea what is going on with this show anymore.

A Negative Review: The Walking Dead S04E12 "Still" Sucks

Exhaustive list of imperfections: terrible actress

The most recent episode of The Walking Dead was by far the worst episode to have aired, and as it stands, I don't see things improving any time soon. In brief, the plot of the episode is as follows: some dumb, spoiled girl that no one cares about goes around looking for her first drink, to be shared with the guy whose dick she wants more fiercely than a typical zombie wants brains. Oh yeah, also, guys, Beth can totally take care of herself! LOOK! A ZOMBIE! Wow, how incredible, Beth killed it! Guys!

A Negative Review: Firefly Sucks

These are the voyages of– no wait

There are several things about Firefly that I can't stand – primarily, it's that Firefly masquerades as science-fiction. Foregoing the more superficial aspects of the genre, such as the spaceships and extra-terrestrial names, you're left with a pretty tacky western. You could try and look for the alien life, or the technological advancement, but you wouldn't really find it. 

A Negative Review: Sherlock Series 3 Sucks

Sherlock recovered. Sherlock did not.

Undoubtedly, Steven Moffat's most consistent failure as the producer of Sherlock is his total inability to let characters face the consequences of their actions. In and of itself, this would not be a ruinous flaw (it is still a pretty bad one), but unfortunately, Steven Moffat is also fairly talented at writing characters into corners from which they cannot possibly escape. The point of raising the stakes in a given show is to give the action resonance; in this regard, Sherlock has had several highlights – during the first episode, where Sherlock is about to swallow a deadly pill; in the third episode, where Watson is made to wear a suicide vest; and in the sixth episode, where Sherlock fakes his death. As the audience comes to see the consequences of these actions, all of those consequences contribute in some meaningful way to the emotional resonance that comes with such high tension and stakes. However, with the onset of series 3, this completely stops being the case.

A Negative Review: Out of the Furnace Sucks

You would never see Christian Bale equally happy with Out of the Furnace

It appears that when I entered the theater, I really watched two separate movies – one was pretty bad, and the other was an utter travesty. The revenge-flick component, as falsely advertised to be what Out of the Furnace is all about, sort of works like this: Christian Bale goes after Woody Harrelson, who plays a psychotic hillbilly wacko backwoods hinterland peckerwood nut-job, based on some bizarre stereotype about what Ramapough Mountain inhabitants must be like. Apparently, this means that Harrelson is a slave owner living in the 1800s that also sells drugs and runs a fight club on the side – and honestly, it would be a waste of time to explain why this is ethnically incorrect. The other movie is about Christian Bale's bad run with lady luck, and could have been something interesting, but is repeatedly bogged down by the first movie. Overall, Out of the Furnace is more of an awkward experience than anything else, as the audience realizes what missed potential there was.

A Negative Review: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Sucks

O Smaug, the pretentious!

There is something to be said for leeway as far as novel-to-movie adaptations go. However, left unsaid, and often heavily implied, is the unfortunately lesser observed notion of keeping with the spirit and tone of the source material; in this manner, The Desolation of Smaug fails more severely than does Sean Bean in living until the end of a movie.

I can tell you that, certainly, I am a fan of Tolkien's work. I adore the books of the original trilogy, as well as the corresponding movies. When I read The Hobbit, I liked it very much as well – but if you were to show me the two current movies with which the novel shares its name, I would likely question whether the director had any actual contact with the novel. Throughout The Desolation of Smaug, only very few scenes and characters appear roughly based upon the novel – there are some barrels, there is a hike through Mirkwood with its corresponding spiders, and, unlike the previous installment, there is actually a fucking dragon in this movie. Unfortunately, and rather noticeably, in straying from the tone of the source material to such an extent, The Desolation of Smaug never quite makes up its mind about what kind of movie it wants to be. Is it trying to be funny, as a comedy of sorts? It it fantasy-adventure like the original trilogy? Or maybe, is it an action film? Well, the answer is irrelevant, because the movie utterly fails in all three departments: the humor entices no laughter, the action lacks tension, and the fantasy comes off as uninspired.

A Negative Review: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Sucks

Anyway...

Truly, getting through the first two thirds of this movie is an exercise in resilience – I was having trouble staying awake. In fact, the cinematography and acting felt so lifeless and generic that I actually thought my date, who was quietly groaning and sighing throughout, displayed more talent than what I was seeing onscreen; that Catching Fire is receiving so much praise is even more ridiculous than Jennifer Lawrence winning over Emmanuelle Riva at the Oscars. So without any further asides:

A Negative Review: Dexter Season 8 Sucks

How the mighty have fallen...

There was a time when Dexter was one of the best things on television. Long gone, that time is... now all that remains of this once great show is the sort of joke that some drunken asshole would make at a party while spilling his beer over the girl he's trying to fuck. If you ever wanted an example of a show that went from good to bad to absolutely horrendous, Dexter may well be the textbook example. 

So, where did season 8 go so, so wrong...?

A Negative Review: Ender's Game Sucks

Come now, Ender. It's impolite to stare.

So, before we get into things, did you know that Orson Scott Card is a homophobic racist? Just saying. 

Ender's Game, directed by the same idiot that brought you X-Men Origins: Wolverine, is certainly no slouch in the special effects over substance department. Nor in the absurdity department, for that matter. It's a movie about the sort of future where Earth is attacked by evil ant aliens and the best solution is to draft a bunch of child soldiers to use the skills they've honed playing video games to unknowingly commit genocide. Is this sounding just peachy so far?

A Negative Review: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Sucks

Mhm.

Let's face it: DS9 is pretty terrible. Of all the various Treks, DS9 was the only one to really have a Whedon-esque arc going on, but despite this, ended up falling victim to many of the shortcomings plaguing the likes of The Next Generation and Voyager. As the series progressed, character arcs went to some pretty weird places, various subplots were entirely forgotten, and Kira's haircut became increasingly more bizarre. Certainly, not all was bad – at least the entire show wasn't based around an omnipotent troll having decided to amuse himself by throwing humanity down the gauntlet. Instead, the entire show was based on some omnipotent trolls deciding they weren't having a good time with humanity and other "solids" (what?) in general, such that the former group ends up trying to murder everyone. And then something about magic power orbs and The Prophets. I'm not really sure.

It's quite difficult to judge DS9, however, because un/fortunately, the show is pretty selective about sticking to its various arcs with any consistency. It doesn't help much that the pacing between episodes is so grungy, either, since one minute you've got the crew relaxing on Planet Sex (sorry, I mean Risa), and the next you have the entirety of DS9 being evacuated for the 40th time because those silly Cardassians are raiding again. What is the show trying to do, really? Is this whole deal with the Dominion the focus, or is it fleshing out the characters in more casual scenarios? The show never quite makes up its mind, and developments obtained in one half don't necessarily carry over into the other. Perhaps this is all a bit vague, so at this point it's probably necessary to look at each character individually (starting with the shittest, and progressing to least shitty):