A Negative Review: Elfen Lied Sucks

I hate anime so fucking much

Ok guys, let's face it... Elfen Lied sucks. It is universally regarded as one of the best anime, however, often for some combination of the following... "unbeatable plot," "flawless delivery," "moral degradation of society manifested via sensational gore," or– well, it only gets increasingly pretentious. So here are some things to consider:

A Negative Review: Breaking Bad S05E14 "Ozymandias" Sucks

Jig's up.

So to forego the typical introduction bit, let's just jump right into it, in order of appearance:

1. The episode opens, and soon Gomez is shown dead. This is the same character that has been around on the show for the past 5 seasons, and this is the send-off he receives. As I understand it, the point of involving Gomez in the hunt for Walter, from Hank's perspective, was to use the guy that would work with him instead of telling the rest of the DEA – this, because Hank and Gomez are close. They have built a friendly relationship over the course of the show, and Gomez has even been involved in some weird situations with Hank throughout their careers. Anyway, Gomez isn't just some random goon Hank could have brought along with him to arrest Walter – and yet, that is precisely the way this episode treats him. The way episode 13 ends, Gomez is alive and well, but the very first shot of him in Ozymandias already has him dead; this isn't just cheap... it's also insulting. The one guy you'd expect to care (Hank) doesn't get a shot to reflect his shock/etc., and is then immediately killed so as to prevent anything like that from happening regardless. After 5 years, I don't think it's too unreasonable to ask for something a bit more meaningful.

"But wait! They were in a firefight. There wasn't time!"
> Okay, fine, perhaps, but I don't think it's necessarily too good of an idea to bring up the firefight in defense of anything, seeing as how much of a train-wreck that whole thing was. Unfortunately, that firefight took place in the previous episode and is therefore outside the jurisdiction of this post. Anyway, while it's certainly true that Gomez's death being pretty lame doesn't mean too much given that he's a tertiary character (at least by the time this season rolled around...), but it could certainly have been done better.

A Negative Review: Inception Sucks

Why can't you just stop being movies?

I would like you to know that Christopher Nolan would like you to know that you are an idiot. Supposing you think this movie is "insanely brilliant," anyway, then this is probably the case and you don't have to bother with the rest of this post. Shoo.

Hot damn. This movie is two and a half hours in length. In and of itself, the length of a movie is never an item to hold against it, but anyway, Inception qualifies itself as garbage in record-breaking speed. Take your pick, really; the first act of this movie is problematic on many levels. The exposition entirely fails to set up a threshold for its characters to rise to, and also manages to weave a loopy web of logic that only becomes more absurd as the movie progresses. You wake when you fall, and also when your body hits water – except when it is necessary to demonstrate the effects of the latter, because then the former is disregarded if the two happen to intertwine (a mere five minutes into the movie, Leo falls in a chair into a tub of water, and in the dream, he sees the water; this implies that he hit the water before waking up, which raises the question of why the fall leading to the water did not wake him up). This is consistent throughout the movie, as one of the dreams in the main action of the movie has its world in zero gravity – this, because the creator of the dream is experiencing free fall in the level above his own dream (and of course, does not wake up, allowing the plot to move forward). And in saying all this, I am trying to demonstrate that Inception tries to masquerade its convoluted plot and logic as deep and perhaps challenging, hoping, desperately, that the viewer will not see through the ruse. Well, supposing you don't care, consider the following...

A Negative Review: Star Trek: Into Darkness Sucks

Typical reaction after seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness

Rarely, if ever, have I seen such an inept attempt at anything Trek as Star Trek: Into Darkness. Since seeing the movie, I am afflicted by hideously unsettling nightmares, which have since constituted such a tremendous impact on my psyche that the merest mention of sleep instinctively causes my spine to shiver and an all-encompassing sense of dead to take me over. In addition, any food I place into my mouth turns into ash, and everything I touch becomes withered and dies. In short... this movie, to me... is not a great movie. Into Darkness is Star Trek for those who know within themselves that they do not like Star Trek, yet insist on watching it anyway. The mess that results from this is a modernized geek aesthetic wedded with something perhaps less esoteric for the casual viewer, absent the philosophy, quirkiness, and admittedly silly ideals of the previous movies and series – but in doing this, Abrams has succeeded in stripping his movie of the very characteristics which define Star Trek.